Enjoy.

[mac124]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said \"Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said \"No, I've got china in my hand.\"

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said \"Analogue.\" I
said \"No, just a watch.\"

I went into a shop and I said, \"Can someone sell me a kettle.\" The
bloke said \"Kenwood\" I said, \"Where is he?\"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, \"Can I buy a goldfish?\" The guy
said, \"Do you want an aquarium?\" I said, \"I don't care what star sign
it is.\"

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen without a driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him \"I'm frightened of lapels.\" He
said, \"You've got cholera.\"

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
and on.

My mate asked me \"What do you think of voluntary work?? I said \"I
wouldn't do it if you paid me.\"

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, \"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.\" He said, \"No,
this is for the custard.\"

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, \"I want you to trace someone for me.\"

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
\"Tenpin?\" I said, \"No, it's a permanent job.\"

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, \"Are you having
me on?\" I said, \"Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything.\"

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them \"Can I have a skip
outside my house?\" He said, \"I'm not stopping you!\"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says \"Audi!\"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, \"Nearest the bull
goes first\" He went \"Baah\" and I went \"Moo\" He said \"You're closest\"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came
And asked me what had happened. I said \"I careered off the road\"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said \"Eurostar\" I said \"Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, \"How flexible are you?\" I said, \"I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.\"

So I went to the local video shop and I said, \"Can I take out The
Elephant Man?\" He said, \"He's not your type.\" I said \"How about Batman
Forever?\" He said, \"No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

[Sl4x0r]

I laughed so hard I did a little wee! :oops: